You may have caught this over on Be You Media Group, but then again you may not have…
There’s always that one puzzle piece. The one piece that looks like it fits. The colors match, the shapes match, it looks like that is where it is supposed to fit. You even continue on working pieces in, ignoring the small crack that was left between the pieces. Convincing yourself that it is just an imperfect piece, that the machine that cut the puzzle made a mistake, because it fits, everything about it fits.
But it doesn’t fit.
It never will.
I sat there one night, literally beside myself. Watching the world zoom by as waiters and cocktails shuffled into their rightful places. The room buzzed, the lights flickered. Laughs echoed between the walls. Tables and people all fit together so perfectly. The colors blended together to form the scene of friendships and socialites. I even looked like I fit in. With a smile on my face I sat there…listening. The words would fade in and out. I would be present then moments later realize I’d drifted somewhere else, for how long I do not know.
I was that one piece. That one piece that doesn’t quite fit. In the past I would fit perfectly there, laughing, talking, gossiping. But right there in that scene, I no longer fit. It was so obvious to me, and maybe others noticed too but tried to ignore it. I felt the distance in the small cracks. It was a distance between me and the rest of the room, the distance between me and myself. I was wearing a mask and it was ugly, because it was no longer who I was.
There are moments in life that are cloudy and hard to decode. You weave through the fog searching for clarity that you’ll never find. Then there are those moments in life that are so clear and there is no mistaking them to mean anything else then what they so obviously convey. They beg and scream for you to acknowledge them and they scream louder if you try to ignore them.
I can no longer force myself to fit somewhere I do not belong. I may have fit into places in the past, my shapes and colors still might look like they fit into those scenes, but the gaps I feel when i’m back in those places scream so loud it can not be ignored.
It has taken many wrong turns, many times becoming lost, being shoved into many wrong places to finally be able to start recognizing where it is that I actually belong and who I really am inside.
It is hard, it is extremely hard to leave the comfort of what you’ve always known. But I will tell you that being true to yourself is far more comforting and comfortable then forcing yourself to fit in a space where the gaps and emptiness scream at you to recognize them.